The Darkest Harmony
For Him - written 7/24/08
onesided JD/Dr. Cox. ;D What I wrote when I was like 13 and the biggest JD/Cox fan in the worrrrrrld. I haven't edited it yet, since I kind of like it as a what-not-to-do-ever-again kind of reminder.
You stare out the window at the rainy night but you aren’t staring at the rain drops pounding on the window. You’re staring at Dr. Cox kissing Jordan by his car, wishing it was you he was kissing and then your mood gets even worse because you suddenly realize that it will never be you. It will always be Jordan he’s kissing.
Dr. Cox doesn’t care about you, yet you hold onto every word he says and follow him around like a ghost because half the time he doesn’t realize that you’re there. He‘s too busy with Jordan, Jack and Jennifer Dylan; the real people he loves.
You thought he teased you because you thought that he loved you - you were told ‘You only tease the one you love’ in elementary school - but now you’ve convinced yourself that he just plain hates you. You wish you could blame the Janitor like you do for everything else, but this is all your fault and you know that.
It’s your fault that he despises you and that kills you. You don’t even try to make him angry yet he points out all of your flaws and makes you hate yourself more than Elliot hates herself - only you hide it better.
If Dr. Cox really cared he would notice that you aren’t talking to him anymore and become angry, but in reality you know he would be more relieved than anything. All of your other friends are worried about you but you just want him to notice so you go to extreme lengths to make him notice you.
You’ve tried it all, yet he still ignores you. There’s only one thing you haven’t done and that’s hurting yourself physically but you’re too scared to do it and whenever you think of it you hear Dr. Cox’s taunting voice calling you a scared little girl who’ll never amount to anything.
You stopped eating for a week to see if he noticed, but the only ones who did were the ones who have cared all along and they forced you to go to therapy only to find out that something’s wrong with your head and now you get to go every week.
You just want to die because your love for him gets stronger each day and sometimes it suffocates you and you can only cry into your pillow because you want him so much and you know you can’t have him. You love him so much it always hurts.
You’re getting thinner and thinner as the days go on and you‘re not yourself anymore. Bob Kelso forced you into a hospital bed when you fainted treating a patient with heart problems and you could see the scared look on his face because they took off your layered clothes. You wear five layers and now you’re wearing one layer and your bones are sharp and defined. You’re sickened by it but you won’t stop until he comes to see you.
You can’t even see your own son anymore because the mother of your child is on a business trip for three months to London and it hurts as much as loving Dr. Cox because he’s the only thing you look forward to anymore. You can only see him through the pictures at your hospital bedside because you’re too thin to do anything and the only ones who come to see you are Todd, Turk, Elliot, your old interns, Dr. Kelso, and Carla because Dr. Cox obviously hates you. Even the Janitor comes to see you.
You watch Dr. Cox look up and he obviously sees you because he’s running to the entrance of the hospital. You sit back and wait for him, but glancing out the window you see him running back to Jordan with flowers in his hand. You can’t stop the tears flowing and it hurts to breathe and you just wish you could die because nobody will ever love you like that.
But you know that they aren’t getting back together because Jordan doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice but Dr. Cox swears he’s a changed man, but by the looks of things that’s about to change.
A woman comes in and looks at you with a concerned look on her face and you can see the tears rolling down her cheeks. She was an old intern of yours but you can’t remember her name because the only things on your mind are Sam and Dr. Cox.
"J.D., you need to eat." she says and you can tell she won’t leave until you do. You take your gaze away from the window and take a bite of the spaghetti and she lights up because you ate something. She doesn’t leave until you finish it, but as soon as she leaves and closes the door, you stumble to the bathroom because your stomach is about to burst.
You always hate this part and you never stop until you see blood. You deserve the pain because you’ll never be good enough for Dr. Cox. You stare at the bloody spaghetti in the toilet bowl and start to cry again. This is all so disgusting but you can’t stop until Dr. Cox finally notices you.
"J.D.!" you hear, and you smile while you cry because you think it’s Dr. Cox but it never is. It’s always Carla and Turk who come to visit you after you have a meal. You feel yourself being guided to your bed and then Carla lectures you on your actions.
You still have the stupid smile on your face because you see Dr. Cox in the doorway looking at you. But he has a look of disgust on his face and he leaves shortly after you make eye contact and you’re stuck feeling horrible.
You say you’re tired and reluctantly they leave the room with Carla kissing your forehead and Turk telling you everything will be okay as if it would magically make you better. They tell you they love you and then they leave, leaving you all alone in your room.
Dr. Cox’s car is gone (you looked out the window to see if they were still there), but you know he’s still in the hospital because he passes your room twice, though he never looks in and that makes you hate yourself because you know that this will not make Dr. Cox suddenly fall in love with you.
You fall asleep looking at a picture of you and Sam sitting by the window listening to the rain and wake up tucked into your bed with a large pink bunny that says ‘It’s a girl!’ on the stomach under your arm and you smile.
You close your eyes, listening to the storm outside, and you hear somebody entering your room and closing the door behind them. You open your eyes and through your blurred vision you see Dr. Cox and you grin.
He sits next to you, takes your bony hand, and starts talking to you and unlike everybody else you pay attention to his words. He says he’s really worried about you because he can’t lose you. He says that you’re two weeks away from dying if you don’t eat something because your organs will just give up and that makes your heart rate go up.
He smiles and ruffles your hair, which is thinner than ever, and makes a joke about how you wouldn’t die just because your organs gave up, you’d die because they’d cancel Will & Grace and when you point out that they already did he laughs and says he knows and that makes you smile. He thinks you won’t die and you can’t help but want to agree with him.
You tune him out as you feel your stomach tightening from the hunger and you wish it away, not wanting to deal with the pain. He leaves and gets you food, which you eat and keep down. You swear to yourself that you’re going to get better because he told you to, but things don’t magically get better.
In three weeks you’re laying on your death bed, your little three year old son crying and Kim’s crying and everybody but you is crying because you can’t feel anything but everybody watches as slowly your heart starts to fail and you open your eyes as much as you can to see everybody standing around you with tears falling down their faces.
You want to laugh because it’s so damn funny. You’re dying and it’s all Dr. Cox’s fault. Carla always said that Dr. Cox would be the death of you, but you bet she didn’t mean it literally.
You feel something tighten in your chest, you hear your son scream ’Daddy!’, and then you can’t feel anything. You see black, and then there’s a light flickering in the distance. You run towards it, but you aren’t going anywhere.
And when the light died, so did you.
You stare out the window at the rainy night but you aren’t staring at the rain drops pounding on the window. You’re staring at Dr. Cox kissing Jordan by his car, wishing it was you he was kissing and then your mood gets even worse because you suddenly realize that it will never be you. It will always be Jordan he’s kissing.
Dr. Cox doesn’t care about you, yet you hold onto every word he says and follow him around like a ghost because half the time he doesn’t realize that you’re there. He‘s too busy with Jordan, Jack and Jennifer Dylan; the real people he loves.
You thought he teased you because you thought that he loved you - you were told ‘You only tease the one you love’ in elementary school - but now you’ve convinced yourself that he just plain hates you. You wish you could blame the Janitor like you do for everything else, but this is all your fault and you know that.
It’s your fault that he despises you and that kills you. You don’t even try to make him angry yet he points out all of your flaws and makes you hate yourself more than Elliot hates herself - only you hide it better.
If Dr. Cox really cared he would notice that you aren’t talking to him anymore and become angry, but in reality you know he would be more relieved than anything. All of your other friends are worried about you but you just want him to notice so you go to extreme lengths to make him notice you.
You’ve tried it all, yet he still ignores you. There’s only one thing you haven’t done and that’s hurting yourself physically but you’re too scared to do it and whenever you think of it you hear Dr. Cox’s taunting voice calling you a scared little girl who’ll never amount to anything.
You stopped eating for a week to see if he noticed, but the only ones who did were the ones who have cared all along and they forced you to go to therapy only to find out that something’s wrong with your head and now you get to go every week.
You just want to die because your love for him gets stronger each day and sometimes it suffocates you and you can only cry into your pillow because you want him so much and you know you can’t have him. You love him so much it always hurts.
You’re getting thinner and thinner as the days go on and you‘re not yourself anymore. Bob Kelso forced you into a hospital bed when you fainted treating a patient with heart problems and you could see the scared look on his face because they took off your layered clothes. You wear five layers and now you’re wearing one layer and your bones are sharp and defined. You’re sickened by it but you won’t stop until he comes to see you.
You can’t even see your own son anymore because the mother of your child is on a business trip for three months to London and it hurts as much as loving Dr. Cox because he’s the only thing you look forward to anymore. You can only see him through the pictures at your hospital bedside because you’re too thin to do anything and the only ones who come to see you are Todd, Turk, Elliot, your old interns, Dr. Kelso, and Carla because Dr. Cox obviously hates you. Even the Janitor comes to see you.
You watch Dr. Cox look up and he obviously sees you because he’s running to the entrance of the hospital. You sit back and wait for him, but glancing out the window you see him running back to Jordan with flowers in his hand. You can’t stop the tears flowing and it hurts to breathe and you just wish you could die because nobody will ever love you like that.
But you know that they aren’t getting back together because Jordan doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice but Dr. Cox swears he’s a changed man, but by the looks of things that’s about to change.
A woman comes in and looks at you with a concerned look on her face and you can see the tears rolling down her cheeks. She was an old intern of yours but you can’t remember her name because the only things on your mind are Sam and Dr. Cox.
"J.D., you need to eat." she says and you can tell she won’t leave until you do. You take your gaze away from the window and take a bite of the spaghetti and she lights up because you ate something. She doesn’t leave until you finish it, but as soon as she leaves and closes the door, you stumble to the bathroom because your stomach is about to burst.
You always hate this part and you never stop until you see blood. You deserve the pain because you’ll never be good enough for Dr. Cox. You stare at the bloody spaghetti in the toilet bowl and start to cry again. This is all so disgusting but you can’t stop until Dr. Cox finally notices you.
"J.D.!" you hear, and you smile while you cry because you think it’s Dr. Cox but it never is. It’s always Carla and Turk who come to visit you after you have a meal. You feel yourself being guided to your bed and then Carla lectures you on your actions.
You still have the stupid smile on your face because you see Dr. Cox in the doorway looking at you. But he has a look of disgust on his face and he leaves shortly after you make eye contact and you’re stuck feeling horrible.
You say you’re tired and reluctantly they leave the room with Carla kissing your forehead and Turk telling you everything will be okay as if it would magically make you better. They tell you they love you and then they leave, leaving you all alone in your room.
Dr. Cox’s car is gone (you looked out the window to see if they were still there), but you know he’s still in the hospital because he passes your room twice, though he never looks in and that makes you hate yourself because you know that this will not make Dr. Cox suddenly fall in love with you.
You fall asleep looking at a picture of you and Sam sitting by the window listening to the rain and wake up tucked into your bed with a large pink bunny that says ‘It’s a girl!’ on the stomach under your arm and you smile.
You close your eyes, listening to the storm outside, and you hear somebody entering your room and closing the door behind them. You open your eyes and through your blurred vision you see Dr. Cox and you grin.
He sits next to you, takes your bony hand, and starts talking to you and unlike everybody else you pay attention to his words. He says he’s really worried about you because he can’t lose you. He says that you’re two weeks away from dying if you don’t eat something because your organs will just give up and that makes your heart rate go up.
He smiles and ruffles your hair, which is thinner than ever, and makes a joke about how you wouldn’t die just because your organs gave up, you’d die because they’d cancel Will & Grace and when you point out that they already did he laughs and says he knows and that makes you smile. He thinks you won’t die and you can’t help but want to agree with him.
You tune him out as you feel your stomach tightening from the hunger and you wish it away, not wanting to deal with the pain. He leaves and gets you food, which you eat and keep down. You swear to yourself that you’re going to get better because he told you to, but things don’t magically get better.
In three weeks you’re laying on your death bed, your little three year old son crying and Kim’s crying and everybody but you is crying because you can’t feel anything but everybody watches as slowly your heart starts to fail and you open your eyes as much as you can to see everybody standing around you with tears falling down their faces.
You want to laugh because it’s so damn funny. You’re dying and it’s all Dr. Cox’s fault. Carla always said that Dr. Cox would be the death of you, but you bet she didn’t mean it literally.
You feel something tighten in your chest, you hear your son scream ’Daddy!’, and then you can’t feel anything. You see black, and then there’s a light flickering in the distance. You run towards it, but you aren’t going anywhere.
And when the light died, so did you.
